Here's where we are...

So I know it's been almost 2 months and no update, I have been busy! Noah and I both started school at Cornerstone UMC last month, (he attending, I teaching) and it's been great! Courtney Cloud is his teacher and he LOVES him some CC so I am thrilled! It's been a huge adjustment, me back working, and even though it's only part time, it's very different!

Also, since it's been a year since we've been trying for baby #2, I went to see the wonderful Dr. Smith to see what's going on. After some poking and prodding and weird chart making, he decided I needed a little help, so I started taking Clomid this month. If it does what it's supposed to do, then great, I am thrilled. But as far as how it makes me feel, I am not a fan!!! Anyway, my struggle with all this is...am I being selfish? I have a wonderful, beautiful son, that I love more than anything in this world, why can't that be enough? Why do I still have this longing and aching for another child? Am I trying to fill the void that the baby I lost left? I've tried to tell myself that we can be a perfectly happy family of three, but then I remember how much I adored my sister and how happy we were to have each other as playmates and later on in life as best friends and I don't want Noah to not experience that. I know my Father has a plan for me, and maybe only one child is it, I just wish I KNEW. I want to wake up one morning and know that this is it and I need to move on. I don't do well with all the waiting and wondering. So please blogging friends, say a little prayer for us. Not that we get pregnant, that we will be able to hear God's voice telling us what we need to do, and the ability to really listen to Him. Love to all!!

Noah is 2!!!!

Ok, I am the worst blogger ever! It's been over a month, I know, it's terrible, but I've been soaking up all the time I can with Noah before we both start school in a couple of weeks! Ok, so Saturday my sweet boy turned 2, I can't believe it, but he did. We had a luau/pool party at Aunt Tammy's (thanks to you Aunt Tammy for turning your house over to 16 kiddos, very brave) and yes, it rained a little bit, but it takes more than a little rain to get us down!! It was a great party! Noah was a little cranky, but birthday parties are stressful!!! Here's what went down!

Beach Fun!!

We went to the beach last week and with the exception of Maggie getting sick, we had a great time!! I always love getting to spend time with my family!! This week, Bobby's sister from Cleveland is here so we are spending the week with them, pictures to come later!!!

Happy Anniversary!!

Look at how far we've come! I can't believe this is our life in just 4 short years!! We are so blessed!!!

We had been dating about 6 months here!!

Our beautiful wedding!!!

In Aruba for our 1 year anniversary!

The big event!!! Welcome to the world, Noah Talmadge Blake!

08-01-07 4:44am

Our first family photo session!!!

Daddy's Little Man!!!!

Mama and her baby boy!!!

I can't believe we've been married for 4 years!! It's seems like just yesterday! Bobby, I love you so much and I am so thankful for the life and love we share!! I thank God everyday for sending you to me and for giving us a wonderful son! You are an awesome man and a great father and I couldn't ask for anything else! Thank you for putting up with me (and my moods) and for allowing me to stay home and raise our son, I know how hard you work so I can do that! I love you Baby!!!

Pool Time!

Yes, this is my child under that water!!!

Aunt Tammy bought Noah a Puddle Jumper for the pool this year and he LOVES it!! We just chunk him in the pool and off he goes!

Monkey Joe's

He went in and right back out and spent the rest of his time on....

The fire truck!!

And here's the ride home, complete with a black eye!!

So, Mom and the girls were supposed to come up yesterday and swim, but with the monsoon that didn't happen, so we decided to take the kids to Monkey Joe's!! I was thrilled, Noah had never been and I thought he would LOVE it...I was wrong! Here's what happened.

Mixed emotions...

...that's what I'm having these days. Bobby and I are trying to get pregnant again, we've been trying for some time now, and I've realized that maybe the reason I haven't is because I am so terrified. Terrified of losing another baby, terrified of actually having another baby, I'm scared of so many things. I'm afraid that I won't be able to be the mom to my next child that I was to Noah, devoting every minute of my day to them. How can I love another baby like I love that sweet boy? I know people do it all the time, I mean, hello, I am a second child and 99% of the time I felt like Mom and Dad loved me just as much as Elizabeth (really 100%, but I had to pick at Mom). But I don't know if I can, I just don't know if it's possible!
And now, there are so many things going on, on my street alone, that scare me to death. I can't imagine going through what Bryant and Courtney have gone through, losing sweet baby Nate before they ever really knew him and Guy and Emily...little Kathleen Bess coming 11 weeks early, when I was pregnant with Noah these things never really entered my mind.
I so want another baby, I want for Noah to grow up loving someone as much as I do my sister, but I can't let go of this fear. I have to just hand it over to the Lord, I know that's what I have to do, but sometimes I have a hard time doing that! I need to take a lesson from The Cloud's on how to do that, they are truly an inspiration and their faith has taught me so much.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13