...that's what I'm having these days. Bobby and I are trying to get pregnant again, we've been trying for some time now, and I've realized that maybe the reason I haven't is because I am so terrified. Terrified of losing another baby, terrified of actually having another baby, I'm scared of so many things. I'm afraid that I won't be able to be the mom to my next child that I was to Noah, devoting every minute of my day to them. How can I love another baby like I love that sweet boy? I know people do it all the time, I mean, hello, I am a second child and 99% of the time I felt like Mom and Dad loved me just as much as Elizabeth (really 100%, but I had to pick at Mom). But I don't know if I can, I just don't know if it's possible!
And now, there are so many things going on, on my street alone, that scare me to death. I can't imagine going through what Bryant and Courtney have gone through, losing sweet baby Nate before they ever really knew him and Guy and Emily...little Kathleen Bess coming 11 weeks early, when I was pregnant with Noah these things never really entered my mind.
I so want another baby, I want for Noah to grow up loving someone as much as I do my sister, but I can't let go of this fear. I have to just hand it over to the Lord, I know that's what I have to do, but sometimes I have a hard time doing that! I need to take a lesson from The Cloud's on how to do that, they are truly an inspiration and their faith has taught me so much.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
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2 comments:
Jill, I'm sure you know deep down that your fear is no match for what God has planned for you. I hope you will get your wish of being a mother to another child because I know you will have enough love for a new baby. I often wonder as I'm playing with Libby or when she's making me and Drew laugh how we could love someone else as much as we love her. I can understand what you're feeling. But I'm sure any mother could tell us that we're wrong - that there is enough love to be given, even if you had 5 kids! (Yikes, of course!)
I'm praying for things to fall in place in your life just as God has them planned.
Jill,
I stumbled along your blog after reading Angela House's blog. I hope you don't mind me commenting. I am so with you and your feelings! Yesterday would have been the due date of our second child we lost back in November when I was 12 weeks pregnant. Everything will fall into place for you as I know it will with me. God has a special plan for all of us that is out of our control. I will pray for peace of mind for you! I just blogged yesterday about how grateful and blessed we are to have our sweet, healthy, happy girl and from the looks of your pics, you have a sweet little blessing as well! Keeping you in our thoughts!
Laura Preston
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